Dear NARC: 

How do I know who my children were in their past lives?

 – Edna P., Fort Wayne IN

Dear Edna,

It’s important to be vigilant for past-life clues in your child’s behavior. Pay attention to their favorite toys, the pictures they draw, and their dream journals. Does your son like to make buildings with toy blocks? It’s possible he was a famous architect, or possibly one of the slaves who built the Pyramids. Does your daughter have a passion for horses? She may have been a Mongol raider or a gruff German cavalryman.

Also keep a close eye on how they respond to stories and films. If your child loves Snow White – that could mean she was once a princess, a dwarf, a Grimm brother, or maybe Walt Disney himself!

Remember, don’t let parental pride and wishful thinking cloud your judgment. Just because your little tyke loves to fingerpaint doesn’t make him the reincarnation of Pablo Picasso – he could also be Renoir, Monet, or even Andy Warhol.

Dear NARC:

Help! My six-year-old son Tyler is constantly throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. Time-outs don’t seem to make any difference, and the tantrums are getting worse. Also, I swear I once heard him babbling in French. What do I do?  

 – Alice Z., Allentown PA

Dear Alice,

It sounds like Tyler is the reincarnation of a 17th century Parisian whore, who were of course known for their angry outbursts. It’s important that you don’t take his tantrums personally – he’s just bitter from the experience of dying alone of syphilis. Give him a dose of mercury (for the “French Pox”), some fishnet stockings, and take him to see Les Miserables.

Dear NARC:

My husband and I are working on conceiving our first child and our dream is that he or she will grow up to be a famous actor. Is it possible to influence the reincarnation process to give our child a leg up?– Anonymous, Hollywood CA

Great idea! Reincarnated actors often prove to be skilled actors themselves. For instance, in 1989 rapping actor Lil’ Romeo was born shortly after the death of Sir Laurence Olivier. Coincidence? You can’t choose what soul decides to take up shop in your womb, but you can certainly improve your odds. Any time a famous actor dies, it’s time to get busy! Some Hollywood gossip websites offer Celebrity Death text alerts for this very purpose.

Side note: we’re not sure if geographic proximity plays a role, but there’s no harm in parking your RV across from Kirk Douglas’s house and waiting for the inevitable.

Dear NARC:

My daughter is very clumsy, always breaking things or falling down. Thanks to hypnotherapy we’ve discovered that she has been, in her previous lives: a passenger on the Titanic, a Roman villager buried in the eruption of Pompeii, and the victim of at least 20 other natural disasters or accidents. Is she bad luck?  

– Ignacio H., Anaheim CA

Dear Ignacio,

Most likely she was cursed in ancient times by a Babylonian witch-priestess for all eternity. In this situation there’s not a whole lot you can do really, except giving her safety tips and forcing her to live in a fireproof bunker. We also recommend you look after your own safety by making her take separate transportation on family trips.

Dear NARC:

Our thirteen-year-old, Ethan, looks and sounds exactly like Richard Nixon. He often rails against Communists and claims he has a “secret plan” to improve his terrible grades at school. Is it possible he was Nixon in a past life, and if so what can we do to improve his behavior?  

– Patsy K., Brooklyn NY

Dear Patsy,

This question is patently ridiculous – it’s common knowledge that the soul of Richard Nixon is currently residing in the body of a Cambodian peasant girl. If you’re looking to trip us up, you’re going to have to try harder!