'Why should I have to change? He's the one who sucks.' - Michael Bolton, Office Space.

A couple weeks ago I got a comment on one of my blog posts from a “Joey”:

I thought you were the movie director, Tim Crockett, but you’re not. Your bio has no info and there are no pictures of you on your site. Those things would be helpful to visitors. Thanks. Joey

I thought this was a reasonable request. There are definitely other Tim Crockett’s in the world – I should probably be clear which one I am. So I added a Bio to my webpage (under the About tab) that gives a brief description and a picture of me. I thought this would have cleared up any confusion – there may be more than one Tim Crockett in the world but there’s only one in Seattle and only one with my dashing good looks (ha!).

Apparently it wasn’t sufficient, however, because over the last couple weeks I’ve gotten several more comments including these awesome quotes:

You’re obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director. Your taste in movies is blah. Only 3 out of your top 10 are worth watching and they’re on every other list of good movies. You should let your readers know that you are Tim Crockett the computer consultant and not the Director, Tim Crockett, that everyone is coming to your site to read about. – “Chris Jenkins”
I was looking for my friend, Tim Crockett, but you’re not him. You should be more specific on your front page bio so people don’t waste their time reading rants from someone they don’t know. – “David Martin”
This is obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director. I interviewed him at his home in Malibu two months ago. Needless to say, your apartment building would probably fit in the downstairs portion of his beachfront estate. – “Kevin S”

I know these comments were left by you, OTC. There’s a repetition of phrases – “obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director” reoccurs multiple times, as does the phrase “not trying to be rude”. All of these comments are from the same IP address block which tells me that they were all made from the same general geographic location. And they all use proper spelling and grammar – the chance of that many random internet comments all having good spelling/grammar is basically zero. These comments were all written by the same person, and I think that person is you, OTC.

I read your bio on IMDB.com. I hope it was written by some PR person, because it makes you sound like an enormous douchebag. There’s a fine line between promoting your accomplishments and sounding like a self-aggrandizing egomaniac – and that bio crosses it.

I’m under no obligation to say that I’m not you. You’re not famous. If I said I wasn’t you, then I would also have to say that I’m not Tim Crockett the security specialist, who is definitely a bigger badass than you or me. There’s at least 12 Tim Crockett’s on LinkedIn. Where does it end?

But look OTC – I don’t know if you’re a douchebag in person – I’ve never met you. I hope you’re a great guy who just comes across badly in your bio. I hope your movie is great and brings you lots of success. If you have a problem with my blog, we can discuss it man-to-man. Let’s dispense with leaving bitchy blog comments under fake names and talk like adults.

Clearly you don’t like the fact that I have this blog with your name on it and it’s not doing anything to promote your movie. Maybe we can do something about that! I’m open to ideas about how we can help each other. Here are two of them:

• Option 1: For the low price of $95,000 – I will sell you the domain names timcrockett.net; timcrockett.com, and timcrockett.org, and move my blog and my personal email to greener pastures. This may be more than the domains are actually worth – but it has a lot of sentimental value for me. The cost should be nothing to the man who was “America’s youngest CEO” (according to your bio).
• Option 2: I will keep the blog; but I will make a post talking about “Intent” and what a great movie it is, and talking you up as America’s next great filmmaker. I will ensure that this blog post is linked to on the front page of the site for one year. On my bio page I will clearly state that I am not Tim Crockett the fantastic entrepreneur and filmmaker, and link directly to your IMDB page or the website of your choice.

  In exchange – you will add this copy to your IMDB bio and any other published web biographies. “I am not the same Tim Crockett as Tim Crockett the famous writer and web humorist. You can check out that Tim Crockett’s hilarious prose on http://www.timcrockett.net”.

So do we have a deal? I’m totally open to counter-offers.

Yours Truly,
The Seattle Tim Crockett

P.S. Any other Tim Crockett’s reading this? Let’s get to know each other! Send me an email.

I have never done any kind of yoga before, let alone aerobic yoga in a sauna-like room, but as you all know I’m game for trying pretty much anything. So I brought my roommate Chris and we signed up for Raj’s “Hot Power Yoga” class at Hot Yoga of Kirkland.

The place was extremely crowded: apparently hot yoga is the Big New Thing to hit the exercise world. Most of the people there were female, which was great, except that I can’t imagine trying to hit on any of them while drenched in three gallons of my own sweat. As the class started I quickly realized too that I was by far the most out of shape person in the room. I was unable to hold even simple yoga poses and mostly just flailed my arms and legs around while trying not to die of heat stroke.

Anyway, I wanted to show you all some of the poses that I was able to accomplish so I made this short slideshow…

I would definitely recommend Hot Yoga, it’s a great workout and cleans your pores as well!

my worst nightmare

To the management of *** Apartments…

Hi there! My name is Tim Crockett, I’ve lived in your building since January of 2005. I think I’ve been a pretty good tenant, I’m usually pretty quiet and I always pay my rent on time. Except this month. I was very sick last week with a nasty flu bug and completely forgot to drop off my rent check. Today I was back at work and realized my mistake, and resolved to drop off a check as soon as I got home. When I did get home I found an envelope on my door.

It contained a very scary legal notice, which informed me that if I didn’t pay up in three days all manner of evil stuff would happen to me. It used lots of capital letters and was quite intimidating. “If you fail to pay … within THREE DAYS … OF THIS NOTICE, THE landlord will institute legal proceedings against you…” This was frightening. I had visions of my credit being ruined, having to go to prison, having some goons show up at my door and break my kneecaps with a lead pipe. Also – why was “THE” capitalized but not “landlord”?

All in all, a very intimidating move. I can imagine some vicious, flesh-eating lawyer chained up in the basement of your corporate offices, trying to come up with the perfect notice to make delinquent tenants shiver in horror at the thought of the life-destroying lawsuits that will befall those who don’t heed this warning. It also informed me that there was a $70 late fee tacked on. $70!!!

Well it worked, I don’t think I’ve ever written a check faster. I dropped it off in the slot since your office was closed.

Now I’m not saying I didn’t do anything wrong, I was certainly late with the rent and I don’t have a good excuse. I’m also sure you’re in your legal rights to slap me with a big fine and threaten to sue me. I probably signed a piece of paper that allows you to do it when I signed the 143,987,423,984 other documents during my last lease renewal. It was probably in between the “Promise Not to Raise Live Alligators Form” and the “No Electric Can Opener Running Between 2 AM And 6 AM Contract”. So I’m not saying you don’t have the right to fine me and threaten me.

But seriously, is this even remotely good customer service, or good business sense? I’m four days late with rent, and this is the first time I’ve been late with rent in the two years I’ve been living here. Four days late one time; $70 fine and a lawsuit threat. That’s crazy to me. Between that and the recent 10% rent hike, I’m really feeling that you guys don’t want me to continue living here. Maybe you’re hoping you can get me out and get a new tenant that’s even better, maybe someone who will drop by the office and bake you cookies.

I would suggest a more sensible approach like this:

Step #1 – Tenant is five days late, give them a friendly phone call. Everyone likes to talk to the attractive young women you employ in your leasing office, I’m sure that this friendly reminder would cause most late payers to pay up right away.
Step #2 – After 10 days, send a nice letter from you, the manager. You can be a little stern, but this kind of thing should come from you, not from a nasty legal notice.
Step #3 – After 20 days, then you can slap on the fine and unleash the legal threats.

Now if someone was late all the time, I could see you having to go with the lawsuit threat earlier, but for first-time late payments, doesn’t this make more sense? I work for a consulting company, and we occasionally have customers that don’t pay on time. Every once in a while we have to be a little harsh with them, and bring in the collection agencies and all that. But we give them a certain amount of leeway, because they’re our customers, and we like them and appreciate their business. Stiff fines and legal threats are a last resort, after we’ve tried collecting peacefully.

When I get this kind of thing in the mail, it just makes me feel like you guys couldn’t care less about your tenants, that we’re all just troublemakers that have to be slapped around when we get out of line. And that makes me want to move out.

Thanks for hearing me out, and have a great day.

Tim

P.S. Don’t let my disparaging lawyer remark make you think I don’t like lawyers. Many of my best friends are lawyers. If you end up forwarding this to your Legal Department, please convey that I think the legal profession is full of fine upstanding people that play a valuable role in society.

Coraline

I love movies and I love making lists. The problem with making a “best of the year” list is that, unlike real film critics, we normal people have to catch up with most movies on DVD several months later. I feel like I can’t make an actual Top 10 list until I’ve seen all the movies from 2009 that I want to see, but it feels dumb to put out a list in June of the following year. So I’m going to put out my list now and call it a rough draft. Maybe I’ll give it an update in a few months when I’ve had a chance to catch up with films like A Serious Man, A Single Man, An Education, Moon, Extract, In the Loop, Passing Strange, Precious, Big Fan, The White Ribbon, 35 Shots of Rum, Where the Wild Things Are, and of course Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.

Top 10 (for now)  

1. Up in the Air
2. Coraline
3. The Hurt Locker
4. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
5. Fantastic Mr Fox
6. District 9
7. The Informant!
8. Inglourious Basterds
9. Duplicity
10. Avatar

Honorable Mention: Adventureland, Up, Star Trek, Watchmen, Crank 2, Drag Me to Hell, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, The Men Who Stare at Goats, The Girlfriend Experience, Away We Go, World’s Greatest Dad, Observe and Report, The Hangover

Worst movies that I sat through this year: X-Men Wolverine, The Ugly Truth, GI Joe, Taken.

Biggest disappointment: Sherlock Holmes

Best album cover of the year

I don’t listen to enough new music to be able to declare the “ten best” or anything like that, but I love making year-end lists anyway. Here are my favorite albums of the year, in no particular order:

• The Felice Brothers – Yonder is the Clock
• Neko Case  – Middle Cyclone 
• The Yeah Yeah Yeah’s – It’s Blitz
• Regina Spektor – Far
• Wilco – Wilco (The Album)
• The Dirty Projectors – Bitte Orca
• Florence and the Machine – Lungs
• Tegan and Sara – Sainthood
• Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

No rap albums really spoke to me this year, although Raekwon’s Only Built 4 Cuban Linx pt 2 is still on my “to listen” list.

Here’s my favorite “orphaned singles” – songs I loved on albums I didn’t love:

• The Decemberists, “The Rake’s Song” and “The Wanting Comes in Waves / Repaid”
• Animal Collective, “In the Flowers”
• Steve Earle, “Lungs”
• Muse, “Uprising”
• That one song on the Apple commercial where all the people are dancing in front of the iPod video cameras in different colors.

And finally, my favorite comedy albums of the year:

• Maria Bamford – Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome  (I can’t recommend this enough)
• Patton Oswalt – My Weakness is Strong
• Eugene Mirman – God is a Twelve Year Old Boy

How do I know who my children were in their past lives?

 - Edna P., Fort Wayne IN

Dear Edna,

It’s important to be vigilant for past-life clues in your child’s behavior. Pay attention to their favorite toys, the pictures they draw, and their dream journals. Does your son like to make buildings with toy blocks? It’s possible he was a famous architect, or possibly one of the slaves who built the Pyramids. Does your daughter have a passion for horses? She may have been a Mongol raider or a gruff German cavalryman.

Also keep a close eye on how they respond to stories and films. If your child loves Snow White – that could mean she was once a princess, a dwarf, a Grimm brother, or maybe Walt Disney himself!

Remember, don’t let parental pride and wishful thinking cloud your judgment. Just because your little tyke loves to fingerpaint doesn’t make him the reincarnation of Pablo Picasso – he could also be Renoir, Monet, or even Andy Warhol.

Dear NARC:

Help! My six-year-old son Tyler is constantly throwing tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. Time-outs don’t seem to make any difference, and the tantrums are getting worse. Also, I swear I once heard him babbling in French. What do I do?  

 - Alice Z., Allentown PA

Dear Alice,

It sounds like Tyler is the reincarnation of a 17th century Parisian whore, who were of course known for their angry outbursts. It’s important that you don’t take his tantrums personally – he’s just bitter from the experience of dying alone of syphilis. Give him a dose of mercury (for the “French Pox”), some fishnet stockings, and take him to see Les Miserables.

My husband and I are working on conceiving our first child and our dream is that he or she will grow up to be a famous actor. Is it possible to influence the reincarnation process to give our child a leg up?

Great idea! Reincarnated actors often prove to be skilled actors themselves. For instance, in 1989 rapping actor Lil’ Romeo was born shortly after the death of Sir Laurence Olivier. Coincidence? You can’t choose what soul decides to take up shop in your womb, but you can certainly improve your odds. Any time a famous actor dies, it’s time to get busy! Some Hollywood gossip websites offer Celebrity Death text alerts for this very purpose.

Side note: we’re not sure if geographic proximity plays a role, but there’s no harm in parking your RV across from Kirk Douglas’s house and waiting for the inevitable.

Dear NARC:

My daughter is very clumsy, always breaking things or falling down. Thanks to hypnotherapy we’ve discovered that she has been, in her previous lives: a passenger on the Titanic, a Roman villager buried in the eruption of Pompeii, and the victim of at least 20 other natural disasters or accidents. Is she bad luck?  

- Ignacio H., Anaheim CA

Dear Ignacio,

Most likely she was cursed in ancient times by a Babylonian witch-priestess for all eternity. In this situation there’s not a whole lot you can do really, except giving her safety tips and forcing her to live in a fireproof bunker. We also recommend you look after your own safety by making her take separate transportation on family trips.

Dear NARC:

Our thirteen-year-old, Ethan, looks and sounds exactly like Richard Nixon. He often rails against Communists and claims he has a “secret plan” to improve his terrible grades at school. Is it possible he was Nixon in a past life, and if so what can we do to improve his behavior?  

- Patsy K., Brooklyn NY

Dear Patsy,

This question is patently ridiculous – it’s common knowledge that the soul of Richard Nixon is currently residing in the body of a Cambodian peasant girl. If you’re looking to trip us up, you’re going to have to try harder!

Soccer is perfect for people with no athletic ability.

I’ve been accused in the past of “hating soccer”, just because I don’t put it on the same level as actual sports like baseball, football, and basketball. This is patently ridiculous – you can enjoy a concert by a local band even though they’re not as good as Mozart or the Beatles. I’m writing this post to show the world that I think soccer is awesome, and I don’t care who knows it. Here are some reasons why I love this great game:

Reason #1 – Soccer is great for kids

I would rank soccer up with the all-time great schoolyard games like Red Rover, tetherball, kickball, and hopscotch. For little tykes that aren’t big enough for football, tall enough for basketball, or patient enough for baseball – soccer is perfect. They can run around constantly, and it’s a very simple game so there isn’t any nuance or strategy to confuse their little kid brains. Someday I hope to be a parent, and I will definitely encourage my kids to play soccer until they are old enough to handle actual sports.

Reason #2 – Soccer is great for Europeans

Let’s face it – it must be tough to be a European sports fan. We Americans dominate in all the sports people care about, and their efforts to break into these sports is lackluster at best. For every Dirk Nowitzki, there are ten Darko Milicics. Soccer gives them a game they can excel at, and something to do in between Eurovision Song Contests. Soccer is very popular in Europe where popular teams like Manchester University, the Real Madrids, and the AC Romans give the locals something to cheer for.

Some Europeans have even taken to calling soccer “football” in the hopes that it will one day gain the prominence of American football. I think we can all learn from the example of great European soccer players like Pele and Ronaldo, who devoted their careers to soccer despite being athletic enough to probably play minor league baseball. 

Reason #3 – Soccer is great for Seattle

I live in Seattle, and we recently suffered the worst thing that can happen to a city: losing an NBA team (maybe it’s not worse than hurricanes or terrorism – but remember New York and New Orleans still have NBA teams). In this time of tragedy and hardship, the city was desperately in need of another sports team – one can only go to so many Mariners and Seahawks games. We didn’t get another sports team but we did get the “Seattle Sounders”. They play in the “Major League of Soccer” (so-called to set it apart from minor leagues like AYSO and FIFA). I have never been to a game, but I’m told literally hundreds of fans show up to cheer on the Sounders against other MLS teams like the Houston Dynamite and the Toledo Mud Hens.

You may think that the Sounders couldn’t possibly heal the wounds left by the Sonics departure – but I offer this sweet analogy as a counter-argument. If you had your hand cut off, would you rather replace it with a hook, or leave it as a stump?

Reason #4 – Soccer brings countries together

Every four years the biggest event in soccer happens: the World’s Cup. I believe they only have it every four years because it’s rather expensive for most soccer teams to travel to a tournament every year. At the World’s Cup, every country sends a team (even Antarctica!) and the teams compete to see which country is the best! Even the USA sends a team (I believe we send the high school soccer team that submits the best essay).

With all the wars and discord going on in the world, it’s good to know that occasionally we can all get together and show that deep down we’re all the same – we all enjoy running around outside kicking a little ball into a net. Even those of us from countries that aren’t good at real sports.

In conclusion, I hope this article has put to rest the silly notion that I don’t like or respect the game of soccer. I’m going to head outside for a game right now!

I could do her job. Right?

One of my dreams is to become a professional advice columnist. It’s tough to break into this gig, there are no entry-level advice columnist jobs. Most people are born into it (both ”Ann Landers” and “Dear Abby” have passed from mother to daughter). It’s also a female-dominated profession (Dan Savage notwithstanding). I’ve decided to show my advice-giving chops by answering letters from the popular “Dear Prudence” column on Slate and the Washington Post. The current author of the column, Emily Yoffe, does a decent enough job, but I think I can improve on her responses (which you can read here if you want to compare our answers).

Dear Prudence,
I’ve been happily married for more than 30 years. Recently, my husband received a text message from a man saying that he was going to use him as a cover so he could visit another man in a neighboring town. This made me suspicious, so I looked in his wallet and found a visitor’s pass to a gay men’s health club. Then I found a gay porn DVD and Viagra in his gym bag. On his computer were gay Web sites. My husband had an excuse for everything. He said a man he works out with had given him the DVDs and the pass, and he didn’t even know what they were. The Viagra was so he could be “ready” for me. He didn’t know how the gay Web site cookies got on his computer.. Last weekend, I came home unexpectedly and found him masturbating to gay porn. He said he wanted to see some porn, and this was the only thing he had because he didn’t know where to get anything else.  I feel as if my whole marriage has been a sham, and I don’t know what to do.

—Who Is He?

Dear WIH,

You better hope that he’s gay. If I were a woman, I’d rather be married to a gay man than a man too dumb to find heterosexual porn on the internet and too stupid to get what’s going on when a guy at the gym hands him a DVD full of gay porn (sidenote: are there really gay gyms?). Look at it this way – after 30 years of marriage, most straight husbands aren’t aroused by their wives either. Have your husband email me and I’ll give him some tips on lying to you more effectively so you can live out the rest of your days in denial.

– NotPrudence

Dear Prudence,
My wife and I recently had a large gathering of friends over the weekend. I was talking to my friend when his wife walked in, sat on a chair, and joined the conversation. When they both left the room minutes later, I saw a red stain on the fabric of the chair. I quickly cleaned it up. About an hour later, my wife came up to me and said she had found blood drops all over the bathroom floor. Just as we were beginning to wonder what was going on, another guest came in and told us that my friend’s wife had just gotten up from a chair outside and left quite a bloody spot.  This woman is married to a dear friend, and I hope to have them visit again, but this behavior is not acceptable. What should I do?

—A Bloody Mess

Dear ABM,

I’m confused by this question. Did she cut herself? Maybe you shouldn’t leave sharp objects lying around. Unless you can be more clear about how the woman was injured, I’m afraid I can’t offer up much in the way of advice.

– NotPrudence

Dear Prudence:
About four months ago, my wife and I found out that my 18-year-old son’s girlfriend had a Twitter account. It became a guilty pleasure for us to occasionally look at this account to see what was up in her life. About two months ago, as they went through a breakup, it became heartbreaking for us to see her reaction. We were going to leave it at that, but since the breakup, I have occasionally gone back to see how she is doing. I know that my wife and son have no idea that I am keeping up with her. Even though she never posts anything salacious, I feel a little like a dirty old man. I make a vow to stop, but a week later I find myself going back just to see how she is doing because I convince myself that I am doing no real harm. Should I be worried about my behavior?

—Can’t Stop Reading Tweets

Dear CSRT,

It is clear that you are in love with this girl (I’m calling her “Lotweeta” – get it?) - but are you in love with the real person underneath or just her heartbreakingly romantic tweets? I know it sets my heart afire when I read “OMG Dustin just txted me that were braking up? i’m so sad i’m gonna go to the mall and kill myself in front of skechers where he works”.

The solution is simple – divorce your wife and propose marriage to this girl (“@Lotweeta – hey U, I’m ur exes dad. I luv ur tweets – want to go to vegas and get hitched?”). Whisk her off to a backwoods cabin and force her to do nothing but twitter all day long. Forbid her from speaking unless she can say it in 140 characters or less. Don’t let your friends and family judge you – they are just jealous because they don’t have child Twitter-brides of their own.

–NotPrudence

my high school trivia team

Having lost on multiple game shows, competed on high school and college quiz teams, and participated in all manner of bar trivia competitions, I consider myself an authority in competitive trivia. I’m pretty good (but not great – see the Jeopardy video link on the sidebar). I’d rather be good at something people care about, like football, but being good at trivia is better than being good at, say, long-distance spitting. I’m a pretty competitive person, so if all I could do was spit really far, I’d probably enter those competitions. As it is, I quench the competitive fire by competing in trivia games.

Many people ask me how they can improve their own trivia skills, so I’ve decided to share with you all my secrets to becoming a trivia master. Now you too can beat your Aunt Hilda at Trivial Pursuit, or win a free basket of Xtreme Chicken Nacho Fries at Tulligan’s Bar Tuesday Trivia X-Travaganza.

The key is Negative Reinforcement Studying. Trying to memorize long lists of facts will get you nowhere - you can memorize facts and names all day long but it won’t help you remember any of it when the Nacho Fries are on the line.

Scientists have studied this problem and found that the best way to remember things is to tie them to an experience. Negative experiences work better than positive ones. For instance, what would help you remember the name of the Secretary General of the UN?

1. You study and memorize the name “Ban Ki Moon” on a flash card.
2. Ban Ki Moon comes up, shakes your hand and compliments your haircut.
3. Ban Ki Moon runs up, kicks you in the stomach, and takes your wallet.

I think most of you would go with answer #3. For this reason, I like to structure the negative and painful events in my life so that they improve my trivia skills. Here are some examples of ways you can use this technique to improve your performance in specific subjects:

• Geography. Have a humiliating sexual encounter in every world capital. Then when you’re trying to remember the capital of Cambodia, just think of the shameful one night stand you had with a street vendor – “oh right, that was in Phnom Penh!”.
• Chemistry. Every night for 118 nights, cook a meal using one of the elements of the Periodic Table. It’s tough to memorize that element “Rg” is Roentgenium, but you’ll never forget it if you make it into Roentgenium Tuna Casserole and it makes your pee glow green.
• History. Dress up like historical figures and go deliver lectures “in character” to gang members in the worst neighborhood you can find. As you’re being beaten to a bloody pulp, think about how Robert E. Lee or whoever would react to this situation.
• Government. Attempt to get a restraining order issued against you by all 100 US Senators. Roland Burris is optional.
• Film. Watch the entire AFI 100 Greatest Films back to back without a break. You may have to use a machine to keep your eyelids open like in A Clockwork Orange (which ironically is one of the films you’ll watch).
• Literature. Turn off the television and actually read some of the books. This is one I just couldn’t bring myself to do.

The next step is to figure out what are the important facts to remember, and which ones you can safely forget. Here are some examples:

• Presidents. I memorized all of them but it was a waste of time – the only ones that you ever get asked about in trivia competitions are Washington, Lincoln, Ben Franklin, the Roosevelt brothers, and the new guy – what’s-his-name.
• U.S. States. If it doesn’t border an ocean, it doesn’t matter enough for bar trivia. Exception: the state you live in, you should probably know that.
• Art. Here are the only artists that matter to anyone in 2009: Monet, Michaelangelo, Picasso, Van Gogh, Dali, Thomas Kinkade, and the guy that draws Family Circus. Memorize their life stories and major works – next subject!
• Music. Trivia question writers love to write questions about dead Italian composers. Make use of the mumble technique – just answer “Fettucine Tortellini” in a low, garbled voice, and it will sound close enough to Puccini or Verdi or whoever.
• Math. Ignore this subject entirely, people who are into trivia don’t know math and people who are into math don’t know trivia.

I hope this helps – now go out and win those Nacho Fries!