'Why should I have to change? He's the one who sucks.' - Michael Bolton, Office Space.

A couple weeks ago I got a comment on one of my blog posts from a “Joey”:

I thought you were the movie director, Tim Crockett, but you’re not. Your bio has no info and there are no pictures of you on your site. Those things would be helpful to visitors. Thanks. Joey

I thought this was a reasonable request. There are definitely other Tim Crockett’s in the world – I should probably be clear which one I am. So I added a Bio to my webpage (under the About tab) that gives a brief description and a picture of me. I thought this would have cleared up any confusion – there may be more than one Tim Crockett in the world but there’s only one in Seattle and only one with my dashing good looks (ha!).

Apparently it wasn’t sufficient, however, because over the last couple weeks I’ve gotten several more comments including these awesome quotes:

You’re obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director. Your taste in movies is blah. Only 3 out of your top 10 are worth watching and they’re on every other list of good movies. You should let your readers know that you are Tim Crockett the computer consultant and not the Director, Tim Crockett, that everyone is coming to your site to read about. – “Chris Jenkins”
I was looking for my friend, Tim Crockett, but you’re not him. You should be more specific on your front page bio so people don’t waste their time reading rants from someone they don’t know. – “David Martin”
This is obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director. I interviewed him at his home in Malibu two months ago. Needless to say, your apartment building would probably fit in the downstairs portion of his beachfront estate. – “Kevin S”

I know these comments were left by you, OTC. There’s a repetition of phrases – “obviously not Tim Crockett the movie director” reoccurs multiple times, as does the phrase “not trying to be rude”. All of these comments are from the same IP address block which tells me that they were all made from the same general geographic location. And they all use proper spelling and grammar – the chance of that many random internet comments all having good spelling/grammar is basically zero. These comments were all written by the same person, and I think that person is you, OTC.

I read your bio on IMDB.com. I hope it was written by some PR person, because it makes you sound like an enormous douchebag. There’s a fine line between promoting your accomplishments and sounding like a self-aggrandizing egomaniac – and that bio crosses it.

I’m under no obligation to say that I’m not you. You’re not famous. If I said I wasn’t you, then I would also have to say that I’m not Tim Crockett the security specialist, who is definitely a bigger badass than you or me. There’s at least 12 Tim Crockett’s on LinkedIn. Where does it end?

But look OTC – I don’t know if you’re a douchebag in person – I’ve never met you. I hope you’re a great guy who just comes across badly in your bio. I hope your movie is great and brings you lots of success. If you have a problem with my blog, we can discuss it man-to-man. Let’s dispense with leaving bitchy blog comments under fake names and talk like adults.

Clearly you don’t like the fact that I have this blog with your name on it and it’s not doing anything to promote your movie. Maybe we can do something about that! I’m open to ideas about how we can help each other. Here are two of them:

• Option 1: For the low price of $95,000 – I will sell you the domain names timcrockett.net; timcrockett.com, and timcrockett.org, and move my blog and my personal email to greener pastures. This may be more than the domains are actually worth – but it has a lot of sentimental value for me. The cost should be nothing to the man who was “America’s youngest CEO” (according to your bio).
• Option 2: I will keep the blog; but I will make a post talking about “Intent” and what a great movie it is, and talking you up as America’s next great filmmaker. I will ensure that this blog post is linked to on the front page of the site for one year. On my bio page I will clearly state that I am not Tim Crockett the fantastic entrepreneur and filmmaker, and link directly to your IMDB page or the website of your choice.

  In exchange – you will add this copy to your IMDB bio and any other published web biographies. “I am not the same Tim Crockett as Tim Crockett the famous writer and web humorist. You can check out that Tim Crockett’s hilarious prose on http://www.timcrockett.net”.

So do we have a deal? I’m totally open to counter-offers.

Yours Truly,
The Seattle Tim Crockett

P.S. Any other Tim Crockett’s reading this? Let’s get to know each other! Send me an email.

my worst nightmare

To the management of *** Apartments…

Hi there! My name is Tim Crockett, I’ve lived in your building since January of 2005. I think I’ve been a pretty good tenant, I’m usually pretty quiet and I always pay my rent on time. Except this month. I was very sick last week with a nasty flu bug and completely forgot to drop off my rent check. Today I was back at work and realized my mistake, and resolved to drop off a check as soon as I got home. When I did get home I found an envelope on my door.

It contained a very scary legal notice, which informed me that if I didn’t pay up in three days all manner of evil stuff would happen to me. It used lots of capital letters and was quite intimidating. “If you fail to pay … within THREE DAYS … OF THIS NOTICE, THE landlord will institute legal proceedings against you…” This was frightening. I had visions of my credit being ruined, having to go to prison, having some goons show up at my door and break my kneecaps with a lead pipe. Also – why was “THE” capitalized but not “landlord”?

All in all, a very intimidating move. I can imagine some vicious, flesh-eating lawyer chained up in the basement of your corporate offices, trying to come up with the perfect notice to make delinquent tenants shiver in horror at the thought of the life-destroying lawsuits that will befall those who don’t heed this warning. It also informed me that there was a $70 late fee tacked on. $70!!!

Well it worked, I don’t think I’ve ever written a check faster. I dropped it off in the slot since your office was closed.

Now I’m not saying I didn’t do anything wrong, I was certainly late with the rent and I don’t have a good excuse. I’m also sure you’re in your legal rights to slap me with a big fine and threaten to sue me. I probably signed a piece of paper that allows you to do it when I signed the 143,987,423,984 other documents during my last lease renewal. It was probably in between the “Promise Not to Raise Live Alligators Form” and the “No Electric Can Opener Running Between 2 AM And 6 AM Contract”. So I’m not saying you don’t have the right to fine me and threaten me.

But seriously, is this even remotely good customer service, or good business sense? I’m four days late with rent, and this is the first time I’ve been late with rent in the two years I’ve been living here. Four days late one time; $70 fine and a lawsuit threat. That’s crazy to me. Between that and the recent 10% rent hike, I’m really feeling that you guys don’t want me to continue living here. Maybe you’re hoping you can get me out and get a new tenant that’s even better, maybe someone who will drop by the office and bake you cookies.

I would suggest a more sensible approach like this:

Step #1 – Tenant is five days late, give them a friendly phone call. Everyone likes to talk to the attractive young women you employ in your leasing office, I’m sure that this friendly reminder would cause most late payers to pay up right away.
Step #2 – After 10 days, send a nice letter from you, the manager. You can be a little stern, but this kind of thing should come from you, not from a nasty legal notice.
Step #3 – After 20 days, then you can slap on the fine and unleash the legal threats.

Now if someone was late all the time, I could see you having to go with the lawsuit threat earlier, but for first-time late payments, doesn’t this make more sense? I work for a consulting company, and we occasionally have customers that don’t pay on time. Every once in a while we have to be a little harsh with them, and bring in the collection agencies and all that. But we give them a certain amount of leeway, because they’re our customers, and we like them and appreciate their business. Stiff fines and legal threats are a last resort, after we’ve tried collecting peacefully.

When I get this kind of thing in the mail, it just makes me feel like you guys couldn’t care less about your tenants, that we’re all just troublemakers that have to be slapped around when we get out of line. And that makes me want to move out.

Thanks for hearing me out, and have a great day.

Tim

P.S. Don’t let my disparaging lawyer remark make you think I don’t like lawyers. Many of my best friends are lawyers. If you end up forwarding this to your Legal Department, please convey that I think the legal profession is full of fine upstanding people that play a valuable role in society.